This year has been the worst of my life. As I stated in earlier posts, we lost Hope, we had various problems with Mark getting paid, Mack got cancer, and we lost you. You have been gone for a little over a month. Sunday, May 27th, is now marked on my calendar. I will mourn it every year.
The past month has been busy which has been somewhat helpful in trying to heal from losing you. However, this past week we found out that despite our efforts in getting Mack chemo, his cancer has probably come back. The vet did an ultrasound and found a growth on his spleen that has obviously grown in only the last three months. I knew we were going to get bad news, as Mack had been sleeping a lot more the past two weeks. I, of course, was in denial and hoping that my intuition was wrong.
The vet offered to do another surgery and remove his spleen stating that he won't need it anyway. However, after further research, this will only prolong his eventual death by a few months tops. We decided, since he didn't do so well after his last surgery, that we would not put him through the pain again. We didn't want him spending whatever time he has left trying to heal from another surgery and going through more chemo that may or may not give us a few more months with him. We will love him and spoil him every day he has left with us now. He gets steak, liver, rice, treats, etc, on a daily basis. Yesterday, we let him play in his pool, which wore him out greatly and he had a hard time making it up the stairs. I have also been allowing him to sleep on the couch, which is a big no no, just so he can sit next to me and I can pet him while I work. But he is definately slowing down. He sleeps a lot more, with only spurts of play time. He has been having a hard time making it up the stairs at night when we go to bed. And he has been been licking his arms a lot lately, which I am wondering signifies he is having joint pain. We have him on joint meds and blod clotting meds (if his spleen starts to bleed, hopefully these meds will help his blod to clot so he doesn't bleed out as soon). But despite all of this, he is still our little puppy, our Roni, Ronald, Mack, Big Boy, Old Man, and every other loving name we can give him. He still brings us a toy if we leave the house (which we have been taking him with us most places), he still cuddles with me and loves his paw rubs. He still gives me five and shakes if I ask. He still wags his tell when I come in the room or if I sing to him. And he still gets excited about meal time. I will know his time is coming when these activities become less and less frequent.
So as of now, I am stuck in a perpetual state of sadness. I catch myself crying randomly on most days. Not full blown wails, but tears falling. Mark is also having a hard time, as he has become more angry. He doens't talk to me much about his feelings though, I am not sure if it is because he doesn't want to make me sad, or if he is shutting down. Of course, we have been snipping at each other more, as it is hard to keep our emotions normal. Hopefully we can find a way to get back to being ourselves and happy again.
Some positive news, my period started, thus my body still works. Mark got us tickets to the White House 4th of July Celebration too. At least we have that to look forward to.
I will write again soon. Still miss you my innocent baby.
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