My Sweet Baby

I wish I had good news for you, but it appears as though the news is the worst I could have. My doctor refused to see me for my scheduled appointment. She said there was no reason due to the report from the ER. Your father told her the nurse that was on the phone with that we received no report and that we want to come in and been seen and informed about what was going on. Instead, the damn nurse proceeded to tell you father what was going on over the phone without me present. They said that they could not find your heartbeat, that you sac was flat, and that my cervix was partially dilated.,they said you aren't a viable pregnancy and that I should get my horomone levels rechecked. I went in Wednesday morning to have my blood drawn again. We called that afternoon and where told that my levels dropped from 10,000 to 9,443 and to expect to miscarry. We left Friday to LA, California for a conference. I have been slightly bleeding since the ultrasound on Monday. Last night (Saturday) and again this morning, I found some little clots. I fear that they are correct and you aren't going to make it. I know the statistics of miscarriages. I have read all about them, but I was hoping, that because I have been on vitamins for so long and have done everything right and avoided everything hat was bad, that I wouldn't have to experience one. I was wrong. And this is hard to handle. Your father is being so supportive right now. He lets me cry and ramble as I need to, but you can tell he is hurting too. He says we will have our baby, that we will make it through this, and I don't doubt him, but I will always wonder about you, my first. What you would have been like, what you would have done, and what you would have become. I will never know any of these things nor will I know what sex you are, therefore, I still wanted to name you, so I came up with a gender neutral name. You will always be my little Jessie.