You DO Exist

So much has happened since my last post. Let me start off by saying that I have been hesitant to post anything because I didn’t want to get too excited and then end up with more bad news. But, I am feeling like we may be almost out of the woods with you. Today, I am 11 weeks three days along with you. We have had TWO ultra sounds and you were moving all over the place in both as well as having a strong heart beat. Let me catch you up.

Shortly after my last post, Mark and I took a trip down to Hilton Head for my birthday. It was a nice trip and we talked about being pregnant with you and how excited, yet worried we are. It is hard to celebrate when you have nagging negative thoughts in the back of your mind. We ate like pigs on that vacation! BAHAHA It was nice and relaxing and we joked about taking you down there next year.

On September 28th, we had our first ultra sound. The week prior to that we had gone in and had my blood drawn and urine taken. All of those test came back good. Nothing to worry about there. I can tell you, the weeks leading up to this appointment were highly stressful. I wasn’t getting morning sickness, my breasts weren’t too sore, and the only sign I had that maybe I was still pregnant was that I couldn’t stand meat anymore. I started craving macaroni and cheese and fish sticks! HAHA being that we don’t eat fish. I even cried on the way to your appointment, I was so scare what we may see.

The doctor was perfect for us. She was so bubbly and nice; made me relax immediately. She had to do an transvaginal ultrasound since I was still pretty early along. As soon as she stuck the wand in, your dad and I could see your sack! We both froze in anticipation of what was next. With no problem at all, the doctor found you on the screen and you were moving all over the place. You were so little. Little arm and leg buds barely noticeable. I teared up and your dad was beaming with happiness. What we hadn’t told each other prior to the appointment was that we had both looked up what your heart rate should be, this way we would know when the doctor said it, if it was good or bad. I immediately asked her what it was. She played your little heart beat and said it was 160 bpm!!! I knew right then that you were healthy so far. As the doctor said, you were perfect! And you were moving around quite a bit too. It gave your dad and I so much relief. We went and celebrated at Ruth’s Chris right after. Your dad played your ultrasound video over and over and we couldn’t help but keep staring at your pictures. You were alive inside me and growing.

Here is a little video your proud daddy took of the ultra sound.

http://youtu.be/GUK4C7rchco

The week after that appointment, we celebrated your dad’s birthday in Disney World. This, we figured, would be our last time going there until you and your sibling are old enough. I was able to ride some of the rides and we tried lots of food. It was a nice, relaxing trip as well. We even got to stay at the Animal Kingdom Lodge in a room with a view of the animals. I LOVED that part of the trip. Maybe one day you will want to stay there as well.

While we experienced a good period of relief after the first ultrasound, I secretly started panicking on our trip while we were in Disney World. I was getting pimples more frequently but no real other symptoms. I had even started eating meat a little. While I know they general rule is that once you have seen the heart beat, the chances of miscarriage drops, I still know that there is still a possibility of a bad outcome. And of course, silly me, went and read some pregnancy boards where this was the exact case for many woman. So with little pregnancy symptoms, I started worrying again.

Once we got back, your dad had an email saying that one of the local technical colleges around here were doing free ultra sounds so that their students could get training. Your dad sent me that info and I called them that day. This is a big deal being that I do not call ANYONE! HAHA The lady asked me a few questions about my pregnancy and then said she could get us in November 8th. I was fine with that knowing that I had my 12 week appointment coming up and then this one would be two weeks after that. However, when I got to work yesterday, I had a message from the lady asking if I could come in that day. Apparently several of the students needed practice with first trimester ultrasounds and I was the only one early enough along. Your dad and I jumped at the opportunity!

We arrived at the college at 1pm and we did not leave until 4:15pm! There were four different students that performed an ultra sound on me. Apparently they were taking a test. HAHA Yes, we were test subjects Lil Bit (the name your dad and I gave you in Disney World because we are two and a bit family size). They had to obtain certain measurements and views for their test. This one was an over the belly ultrasound. Let me tell you, you gave them a run for their test points! BAHAHAH They easily found you but you were jumping all over the place! You started on one side and would push of the walls and jump around and jerk all over. They had such a time trying to get your heart rate. Your dad and I were loving every minute of it. They had the machine hooked up to a big screen hanging from the ceiling so we could watch the entire thing. You moved around so much. And your measurements were perfectly on. Your heartbeat was 168 to 173 bpm.

They sent us home with tons of pictures both printed out and on a hard drive. But most importantly, what they didn’t realize is that they sent us home so happy knowing that you are still growing and healthy! Just made our day. Your dad is beaming. You should see him. All smiles and researching what you are doing in there.

Here are some pictures of you from yesterday.

So like our said, our next appointment is one week away. While, yes, lots of things could happen, I am not as worried as before. I look at it this way, we had two wonderful ultra sounds showing you growing and moving and heart beating, and I am a week and a half away from being out of the first trimester!!!

By the way, you are the size of a large strawberry or fig right now. Next week, a lime!! You are getting big.

Moving Forward?

What a year!

Mack succumbed to cancer last month, July 1, 2012 at 4:30pm ET.  I was out of town, in San Diego for a conference for work.  Mark was home, had actually taken Mack and Zoey for a car ride earlier and was making him food when Mack just collapsed and started breathing heavily.  Mark called me and told me what was going on and then rushed Mack to the vet.  Unfortunately, his tumor that had grown back on his spleen, had ruptured and he was bleeding out.  We had to make the heartbreaking decision to put him to sleep.  As morbid as it may sound, I was fortunate enough to be able to be there and watch via Skype.  I talked to my puppy and told him how much I loved him and that I was sorry I wasn't able to save him.  Mark hugged him the entire time.  The vet saved him for me for when I returned from my trip.  We took him to the same crematory that we had taken Hope and got to push his button as well.  He now sits on Mark's nightstand.

Zoey started showing signs of grieving right away.  Therefore, Mark and I decided to adopt another dog sooner rather than later.  We figured why wait just so the dog could sit in the pound even longer.  So we adopted a yellow, dudley lab from the same pound we got Zoey.  We named him Lucian Ames.  Lucian means light and Ames means friend.  Zoey's name means life.  They got along right away, as I took Zoey with me to pick up Lucian.  It has been almost a month and those two get along great.  They wrestle and play and chase each other all of the time.  At night, they sometimes even cuddle with each other.  It is so cute.

Well, my two cycles have passed that the doctor recommended I wait for before trying for another baby.  So this past month was our first opportunity to get pregnant again.  My ovulation kit came back with a smiley face at lunch time on Monday, August 13.  Mark and I waited until when he got home from work to try.  By the next morning, my smiley face was gone.  We figured we tried, but probably missed our opportunity for the month.  Of course, we tried again that day for good measure.  ;)

Last time I got pregnant, my breasts started getting sore a few days later and ached from that point for about another month.  This time, nothing, no symptoms to make me believe I was pregnant.  This past weekend, I did experience cramping for a few hours and thought maybe it could be implantation cramping.  I was holding out hope, of course.  But one curious thing had me really hoping....Last time I was pregnant, Zoey would sniff my belly button often.  She stopped shortly before I miscarried.  Well last week, Zoey started sniffing my belly button again.  I kept that to myself, didn't tell Mark, because I figured I was just grasping for any signs.

My period was due to start yesterday.  When it didn't start by the evening, I made Mark drive me to get a pregnancy test.  I was positive it would show up as negative.  We got home and I waited until I had a remote feeling I had to pee.  I tested.  It said "PREGNANT"!  Mark smiled and giggled and we hugged.  I was so worried that he would not be happy when it happened again, but he was.   He is so cute when he is truly happy.

I of course tested again this morning and it still shows "PREGNANT"!

So with the calculations, I am due May 8th.  If this baby makes it, they will have awesome end of the school year birthday bashes every year!  Of course, due the the unfortunate ending of last time, we are not telling people this time.  We are going to wait until I am out of the first trimester and have been to the doctors and seen the baby.  That means, we should be able to tell everyone around Thanksgiving!

I am nervous and excited.  I hope this time will be different from last time!  Come on little one, Mommy and Daddy want you more than you could know.

Trying to move past, getting pulled back

This year has been the worst of my life.  As I stated in earlier posts, we lost Hope, we had various problems with Mark getting paid, Mack got cancer, and we lost you.  You have been gone for a little over a month.  Sunday, May 27th, is now marked on my calendar.  I will mourn it every year. 

The past month has been busy which has been somewhat helpful in trying to heal from losing you.  However, this past week we found out that despite our efforts in getting Mack chemo, his cancer has probably come back.  The vet did an ultrasound and found a growth on his spleen that has obviously grown in only the last three months.  I knew we were going to get bad news, as Mack had been sleeping a lot more the past two weeks.  I, of course, was in denial and hoping that my intuition was wrong.

The vet offered to do another surgery and remove his spleen stating that he won't need it anyway. However, after further research, this will only prolong his eventual death by a few months tops.  We decided, since he didn't do so well after his last surgery, that we would not put him through the pain again.  We didn't want him spending whatever time he has left trying to heal from another surgery and going through more chemo that may or may not give us a few more months with him.  We will love him and spoil him every day he has left with us now.  He gets steak, liver, rice, treats, etc, on a daily basis.  Yesterday, we let him play in his pool, which wore him out greatly and he had a hard time making it up the stairs.  I have also been allowing him to sleep on the couch, which is a big no no, just so he can sit next to me and I can pet him while I work.  But he is definately slowing down.  He sleeps a lot more, with only spurts of play time.  He has been having a hard time making it up the stairs at night when we go to bed.  And he has been been licking his arms a lot lately, which I am wondering signifies he is having joint pain.  We have him on joint meds and blod clotting meds (if his spleen starts to bleed, hopefully these meds will help his blod to clot so he doesn't bleed out as soon).  But despite all of this, he is still our little puppy, our Roni, Ronald, Mack, Big Boy, Old Man, and every other loving name we can give him.  He still brings us a toy if we leave the house (which we have been taking him with us most places), he still cuddles with me and loves his paw rubs.  He still gives me five and shakes if I ask.  He still wags his tell when I come in the room or if I sing to him.  And he still gets excited about meal time.  I will know his time is coming when these activities become less and less frequent.

So as of now, I am stuck in a perpetual state of sadness.  I catch myself crying randomly on most days.  Not full blown wails, but tears falling.  Mark is also having a hard time, as he has become more angry.  He doens't talk to me much about his feelings though, I am not sure if it is because he doesn't want to make me sad, or if he is shutting down.  Of course, we have been snipping at each other more, as it is hard to keep our emotions normal.  Hopefully we can find a way to get back to being ourselves and happy again.

Some positive news, my period started, thus my body still works.  Mark got us tickets to the White House 4th of July Celebration too.  At least we have that to look forward to. 

I will write again soon.  Still miss you my innocent baby. 

No One Tells You How Bad It Will Be

You hear and read about miscarriage statistics. You meet couples who have had them. You are told you will experience cramping, clotting, and bleeding, but know one tells you how bad it really is.
Labor is supposed to be one of the worst pains a female can experience. You are told in detail about the pain and "mess" of labor and delivery, but no one really talks about miscarriage in this way.
After my transvaginal ultra sound, I started bleeding. It was a little amount that I would only see when I wiped after urinating. That was on Monday. Thursday, the bleeding increased enough to have to use a pad. I did not have to change it too often though. I would get an occasional small blood clot here and there, but nothing too scary. On Sunday afternoon all hell broke loose. It started with slight cramping that would come in waves. But about two hours after the cramping started, it got worse. It was worse then any period I have ever had. And it was still coming and going. I assume it was like contractions, they would increase in intensity, and then disappear. But there is something even worse then the pain of the cramps. With the increasing cramping, the clotting increased. I am not talking about passing more little clots, I am talking about the size. As the pain increased, the clots did too. At one point I passed a clot about the size of credit card. It was torturous knowing that with each clot, I was loosing a piece of you. That you were dying inside of me and that I was forced to experience the feeling and sight of it. Some clots even contained gray matter. After a while, I could no longer look at the pieces of my dying baby. What a horrible way to die, inside a toilet.
During this time, the look on your father's face was excruciating. He was so sad but more so concerned for me. He tried to comfort me as best as he could because I was in pain and crying, asking what I did to deserve this. He ran and got me Tylenol, made sure I still was drinking water and ate something. He rubbed my back and held me. I felt bad for him because he was not only losing his baby too, but he was watching me in such a miserable time.
Since then, I have continued to bleed and pass an occasional clot here and there. I will also experience slight cramping followed by a clot too. For example, yesterday, Wednesday, I experienced mild cramping followed by a clot the size of half a credit card.
I have never been religious; I consider myself agnostic, however, after experiencing this, I lean more to there being no god. The god that Christians talk about is supposed to be loving, but my thought is if there is a god, he hates women. There is no other explanation for why anyone would cause so many woman so much emotional and physical pain.

My Sweet Baby

I wish I had good news for you, but it appears as though the news is the worst I could have. My doctor refused to see me for my scheduled appointment. She said there was no reason due to the report from the ER. Your father told her the nurse that was on the phone with that we received no report and that we want to come in and been seen and informed about what was going on. Instead, the damn nurse proceeded to tell you father what was going on over the phone without me present. They said that they could not find your heartbeat, that you sac was flat, and that my cervix was partially dilated.,they said you aren't a viable pregnancy and that I should get my horomone levels rechecked. I went in Wednesday morning to have my blood drawn again. We called that afternoon and where told that my levels dropped from 10,000 to 9,443 and to expect to miscarry. We left Friday to LA, California for a conference. I have been slightly bleeding since the ultrasound on Monday. Last night (Saturday) and again this morning, I found some little clots. I fear that they are correct and you aren't going to make it. I know the statistics of miscarriages. I have read all about them, but I was hoping, that because I have been on vitamins for so long and have done everything right and avoided everything hat was bad, that I wouldn't have to experience one. I was wrong. And this is hard to handle. Your father is being so supportive right now. He lets me cry and ramble as I need to, but you can tell he is hurting too. He says we will have our baby, that we will make it through this, and I don't doubt him, but I will always wonder about you, my first. What you would have been like, what you would have done, and what you would have become. I will never know any of these things nor will I know what sex you are, therefore, I still wanted to name you, so I came up with a gender neutral name. You will always be my little Jessie.

No News IS NOT Good News

Little Tater Tot (as your dad now calls you),

The hospital visit was not a pleasant one yesterday.  We checked in at 12:30 and did not check out until 5:30pm.  They took a urine test, five viles of blood (which meant I got stuck twice becuase they said my veins were too deep), did two over the abdomen ultrasounds and one transvaginal.  After all of that, they had nothing to tell me.  The doctor said that you were measuring smaller than what you should be for how far along I am.  They are calling you an abnormal pregnancy and saying I have a "threatened" miscarriage.  They told me to follow up with my doctor in a couple of days to get additional blood work to see how my hormone levels are.  We had our regular appointment scheduled for today, and your father says we should still go to it because they didn't even do an exam yesterday.  So we will probably still go.  Plus, they never told us if they heard your heartbeat or not.  They didn't tell us much of anything.

What is even more disheartening is how your father is coping.  He has a tendancy to internalize a lot of things, and with how rough this year has been, his internalizing is making him stress more, have health problems, and also become bitter and angry towards the world.  He was very upset yesterday, cursing up a storm and slamming things around.  He was trying to stay strong for me, but I could tell he was/is hurting just as much as I am.  He says he is worried about me, but honestly, I am more worried about him.  Poor guy has not had it easy.

The dogs are oblivious and have been playing tug-of-war all morning.  It is a nice distraction, but not much, since the doctor told me to stay home from work for a few days.  Honestly, I think they said that thinking I will miscarry you and this way I will be home and not out in public.  So I am working from home for the next two days at least, however, Friday (today is Tuesday) is when we are supposed to head to LA for work and part vacation.  I am not sure how much fun or relaxing we are going to be able to do now.

Anyways little TT, I will update you when I get more information.  Please hang in there.  You come from a strong line of fighters, you are not different, and your father and I expect no less from you.  So fight and prove the doctor wrong. 

We love you!

Oh my little grape, why are you freaking me out?

On Saturday morning, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, I found a clot.  It was dark in color, almost black.  I didn’t know where it came from.  I freaked out slightly, but after reading about signs of miscarriages, and since I didn’t have any more bleeding, I figured it was either a fluke or maybe a hemorrhoid, which I could have checked out at my doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  However, this morning, Monday, I went to the bathroom again, and I found another clot, and this time, I know for sure where it came from.  This clot was still dark, but more red then the last one.  As you can imagine, I am freaking out a lot right now.  Your father called the on-call doctor this morning and she said to see if my doctor could get me in for an ultrasound today.  She asked if I was experiencing cramping or lightheadedness, which I am not, so she said that is a good sign.  She also said that if I had sex recently, then that could explain the reason for the clot, as my cervix is more fragile right now.  I so hope that is the reason, and if so, I am not having anymore sex with your father the rest of this pregnancy.

Your father talked to the doctor’s office and they said that it seems normal but for peace of mind, we can go to the triage and they will do an ultrasound and take my blood to make sure my counts are right for how far along I am.  We are going right after my meeting this morning.  Please my little baby, please be ok.